Too Sexy For My Own Good

The Matt Baram Theory: If you go somewhere too many times you will eventually embarrass yourself.

Yesterday, in the spirit of Mother's Day, my family went to Bertuchiis for a quick bite to eat. After a delicious meal featuring Bertuchiis’s patented hot rolls, brick oven pizza and several refills of diet coke, I was a happy man.

A happy man with a full bladder.

I know what you're all thinking, "use the restroom, Matt!" Unfortunately, I am no longer capable of using the bathroom facilities in Bertuchiis West Hartford.

Not after last time…

November '03 was a much simpler era. Senior year had just begun, and Matt Baram was entering the prime of his life. The world-renowned magician, David Copperfield, was to perform at the Bushnell, and I, along with good friend and SMP aficionado Y-shizzle 2 da Schochatilizzle, were to be in attendance.

Before the show, Yael and I grabbed a bite to eat at the aforementioned Bertuchiis West Hartford. As always, Bertuchiis left Matt Baram a happy man, but on this occasion, possibly too happy.

After drinking, at minimum, four diet cokes, Matt's bladder had painfully expanded to its maximum capacity. He knew what had to be done. Matt quickly reached the bathroom door, and within seconds had penetrated the facility.

His mission was to pee, pee quickly, and not splash water all over himself as he washed his hands.

But alas, Matt's plan quickly fell apart.

As soon as he entered the Bertuchiis rest room, Matt noticed a large mirror to his left. Naturally, Matt could not help but admire himself, and gawked at his trademark dimples and babyface features.

BOOM!

Matt walked straight into the bathroom wall, and with a loud thud fell hard to the floor.

An elderly man-bald, flabby, and sporting a large beer gut- turned 180 degrees from his yernal, pointed at the fallen Matt with his right hand, and laughed a hearty old-man chuckle, all while his rabbit was still out of his hat.

Matt has never fully recovered. To this day he refuses to enter the Bertuchiis West Hartford bathroom. No matter the strain, Matt will not pee until he is safe in the confines of his home facilities.